$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
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i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
you will never know the true number of layers
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I am having an out of money experience.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I enjoy a good short stor
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.