(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
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I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.