FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
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Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
men, we mow at sunrise.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!