don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
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GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.