Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
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I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Haha good job!!
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.