sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
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When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute