On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
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If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Spring of Deception
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
our love story in four pictures
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
🙁
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article