[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
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How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
God has abandoned us.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?