When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
You Might Also Like
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters