My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
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I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*