Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
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Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.