Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
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I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.