Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
You Might Also Like
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Happy Taco Tuesday
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend