forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
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“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot