McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
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One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….