5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
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I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.