[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
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A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER