I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
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Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
*jazz hands*
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.