can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
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An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
🙀🙀🙀😹
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you