Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
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[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Twitter is an abusement park.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
happy friday
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.