Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
You Might Also Like
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Imma just leave this here…………
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Lucky old June.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.