Dietest Coke
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My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.