Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote