A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
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I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.