The old gods are rising again.
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You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured