Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
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Match dot com, but for socks.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.