Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
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Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
When they try to steal your moment.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Okey dokey.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?