“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
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Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.