[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
You Might Also Like
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
You can’t outrun your problems…
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison