Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
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They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
No, YOUR illiterate.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!