Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
You Might Also Like
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
i love modern commerce
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.