Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
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90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?