[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
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Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?