I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
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Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
pelicons
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach