There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
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‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”