Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
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i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Story of my life…..
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space