Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
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Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
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divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.