Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
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My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole