Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
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drew a comic about my origin story
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
WWE is French for “yes”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?