Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
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Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
mentally somewhere in italy
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.