Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
You Might Also Like
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around