[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
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I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister