i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
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I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.