relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
You Might Also Like
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
🤣😈🤣
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight