“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
You Might Also Like
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.