All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo