the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
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*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I feel it
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one