4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
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(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
classic mixup
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath