Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
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It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching