“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
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I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly